APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER and Daddy's Rules for Dating
I thought for sure I had posted this before. I've certainly seen it...but I find it very funny, so I share:
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APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME__________________________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________
POSTCODE______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________
______________________________
_
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed?
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo?
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________
____________________ ______________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________
______________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________
______________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ______________________________
How often you attend ______________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?;_____________
Mother?_____________
Priest? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________
C: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________
D. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
______________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
__________________________
_______________________________
Your Signature
______________________________
Mother's Signature
______________________________
Priest
______________________________
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
To prepare yourself in case you are approved, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating:
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a tomahawk, a shovel, and a quarter acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
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